Dayana E. S.

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This seems to be the only place I can be myself...say what I want and not get it thrown in my face...Let me go back some for those who don't want to read the whole story.
I meet my husband at 15...married at 19....bought first home at 21...had son at 22, daughter at 23....My husband then told me I was so fat he was disgusted with me...didn't want to touch me or anything else...I started an affair...it lasted 7 yrs....For some strange reason. he didn't want me, but he didn't want to let me go either. I ended the affair...and had gastric Bypass....went down to 117 lbs...Hubby decided I was now worthy of being seen with him in public...now he wanted to go out and be "seen" with me, NOW I was worthy of being introduced to his friends as his wife...I became depressed and more hurt then before. I started my affair with the same man again. Hubby found out about affair...I stopped and then decided it was time to live for ME! Hubby and I separated and went our way...after 2 months he came back begging for forgiveness...apologizing and accepting the hurt and pain he knew he put me through. We agreed to let the past go...we were like newlyweds again. I stabalized at 135lbs....after 2 yrs of reconciling...I got pregnant with twins...forward to now...the twins are 2 and he's decided that at 177 lbs...Im no longer good enough...he's bringing up the past of my cheating...never mind his cheating....and putting me down and degrading me. I literally cry every night. I dread when he gets home from work because I know he'll be pissed off about something. He's threatened to kill himself so many times now that Im scared to say or do anything for fear that he'll kill me and the kids. Women In Distress WON'T help cause there is no physical violence...with the economy as it is..no one has funding to help. I have no family to turn to and no friends I am willing to drag into my problems. THANK GOD, my older kids are doing great in school. They see what Im going through with their dad and it is teaching them a lesson. As a stay at home mom it is not easy to just get up and go...so here I stay. Here I wait...I am seeing an attorney next week...I will not tell him...god forbid he finds out...Im so miserable here that it's driving me crazy...I find myself staying up til 3 am just to avoid getting into bed next to him...I dread when he comes near me or touches me...I cringe and get chills that do not feel good. I have NO love for him. He gives me no privacy...wants to go through my cell to see who called, who I called, who texted me...who I texted....it's crazy! At this point I am doing what I must to keep the peace, but it's chaos in my mind.

Wow, as always, I've waited too long to update. I had my twin boys 2 yrs ago...the other day my daughter says, Mom, you still look pregnant. :-(
I am NOT happy. To top it all off, my husband swears I'm cheating on him with an Ex of mine. WTF? I am so angry, pissed depressed and seriously want OUT of this marriage 10 yrs ago. He's always put me down. When I was fat, that was his excuse and reason for being mean to me. When I went down to 117 lbs, he was mean to me still by telling me I was acting like a slut....HELLO, I was just happy to wear clothes that made me look good! Well, now that Im weighing in at 170lbs, he says it because my Ex liked me fat.
We both started seeing a counselor because I can not take him and his crap any more. He's got such a low self esteem, he's extreemly jealous, he's a pesimist who only see's the con's and negatives in my ideas or plans. I hate it! And hate is a strong word. But I really am so miserable. I want to be away from him so bad. I cry constantly to be away and have started getting nose bleeds cause of the stress I feel from him. He interogates me and questions the kids on all that I do. He goes through my cell phone and get's upset if  try to go anywhere without 3 or more kids. With no family here for help and support it's hard....it's even harder when I have no job and no education to get a good paying job. :-(
On a good note, the weight is slowly coming off now...down to 170 from 185.

Since my last posting I gave birth to my beautiful healthy baby boys. Victor Marcel and Alexander Onelio...Victor was 4lbs 6oz and Alexander was 3lbs 15oz.

Time is short which is why I haven't posted in a while.
But all is well. My 4 kids are doing GREAT. My marriage is doing great and until we win the LOTTO, we'll continue striving forward to survive these times.
We've been through worse.
I'll write more as I find time.

I have never been in the Dr's office or hospital as much as I have been with the twins. They are always getting into something. NEVER a dull moment in our home with them and the difference in personality and the changes they go through is so facinating.
Thank you to all the people who wrote me and wished me luck. I needed it and the prayers sent were heard because I did go into pre-mature labor, but one baby was sent home immediatley at 4lbs and the other spent 1 wk in NICU at 3 lbs then he too came home.
It was through prayers and blessing that this happened.

I must and will post about the latest happening. I will say though, I nursed the twins from DAY 1 without supplement.
And I'm STILL nursing the twins at 19 months old.
Many said it couldn't be done because of the surgery, but I and my boys have proved them all wrong....I have to thank LaLeche League for believeing in me and saying Yes, you can!

I'm PREGENANT...Due July 5th but here's the best part...We're having TWIN BOYS!!!!