Peace n Chaos

Nov 15, 2015

This seems to be the only place I can be myself...say what I want and not get it thrown in my face...Let me go back some for those who don't want to read the whole story.
I meet my husband at 15...married at 19....bought first home at 21...had son at 22, daughter at 23....My husband then told me I was so fat he was disgusted with me...didn't want to touch me or anything else...I started an affair...it lasted 7 yrs....For some strange reason. he didn't want me, but he didn't want to let me go either. I ended the affair...and had gastric Bypass....went down to 117 lbs...Hubby decided I was now worthy of being seen with him in public...now he wanted to go out and be "seen" with me, NOW I was worthy of being introduced to his friends as his wife...I became depressed and more hurt then before. I started my affair with the same man again. Hubby found out about affair...I stopped and then decided it was time to live for ME! Hubby and I separated and went our way...after 2 months he came back begging for forgiveness...apologizing and accepting the hurt and pain he knew he put me through. We agreed to let the past go...we were like newlyweds again. I stabalized at 135lbs....after 2 yrs of reconciling...I got pregnant with twins...forward to now...the twins are 2 and he's decided that at 177 lbs...Im no longer good enough...he's bringing up the past of my cheating...never mind his cheating....and putting me down and degrading me. I literally cry every night. I dread when he gets home from work because I know he'll be pissed off about something. He's threatened to kill himself so many times now that Im scared to say or do anything for fear that he'll kill me and the kids. Women In Distress WON'T help cause there is no physical violence...with the economy as it is..no one has funding to help. I have no family to turn to and no friends I am willing to drag into my problems. THANK GOD, my older kids are doing great in school. They see what Im going through with their dad and it is teaching them a lesson. As a stay at home mom it is not easy to just get up and go...so here I stay. Here I wait...I am seeing an attorney next week...I will not tell him...god forbid he finds out...Im so miserable here that it's driving me crazy...I find myself staying up til 3 am just to avoid getting into bed next to him...I dread when he comes near me or touches me...I cringe and get chills that do not feel good. I have NO love for him. He gives me no privacy...wants to go through my cell to see who called, who I called, who texted me...who I texted....it's crazy! At this point I am doing what I must to keep the peace, but it's chaos in my mind.

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