Jody B.

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Two weeks to go until I meet with my surgeon-very hard to wait.  Started using Fitness Pal to log in calories.  After everything I've read, there is no reason not to lose weight if I am consistently 1200 calories or less.  My birthday today, I hope to never have to see a birthday at this weight again.  I've started a bucket list of things I want to accomplish when I reach my goal weight, whatever that even is.  I don't know what the doctors will say I should weigh.  I've never ever reached a goal weight.  What does that feel like?  Will I be scared?  How do you maintain a weight?

Weighed in this morning and reached my highest weight in over five years.  Makes me want to cry.  Why?  Because it's my own fault, I did it to myself.  Why do I do this over and over?  It makes me feel good for awhile, when I feel so lonely inside it feels like a friend, hides the pain.  Really?  No, it's an addiction.  On vacation last week, I threw it all to the wind-not so happy about it now though.  I have to quite lying to myself.  This is a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day choice!  If I don't consistently make good choices it multiplies and I end up where I am today.  I need to make good choices, think positive self affirming thoughts, love myself more.

Because over the years stalking this web site I have learned a tremendous amount and others have inspired me with their posts and blogs, I have decided to enter my own story.  One reason this is important to me is so I can go back and look at my thoughts and feelings, learn from them, and hopefully move on a better self.

Many times I have lost great deals of weight.  The first was before children with Herbal Life.  I've had attempts with weight loss pills, laxatives, Jenny Craig, numerous times with Weight Watchers, medically supervised diets, and Optifast.  When I was younger the attempts were due to how I looked, and not about health issues.  In 2008, I reached an all time high of 270 pounds.  No major health problems however, I couldn't excerise well because of pain with my feet, very out of breath, achy joints.  It was very difficult to paint my toe nails, I couldn't cross my legs, I choose handicapped bathrooms so I had enough room to maneuver, needed extenders for my seat belt in airplanes, shop in large women stores and wear ugly clothes.  I wouldn't be seen in public in a bathing suit.  If I laughed, coughed, or sneezed I would pee my pants.

I didn't see myself as large when I looked in a mirror, but if I saw a photo of myself I would be totally disgusted.  I would justify my weight by saying "I know many people larger than myself, I'm not so bad."  But I was always the largest woman in any group I was with.  I made jokes about myself being the fat lady, and I was very funny.

Around the age of 40, I began to take my weight seriously.  I was missing out on so many things.  I couldn't go horseback riding, swimming, bike riding, kayaking.  Certain activities were difficult or embarrassing to do in public.  I knew people were watching me and laughing inside.  Heart disease is a huge issue in the family tree.  I began to think about weight loss surgery and researching.  The lap band was very popular at the time.  Because I had severe IBS, I thought this surgery would be ideal.  No messing with my bowels and if something bad happened, I could have it taken out.  I signed up for a seminar, and found out in order to qualify I would have to complete a medically supervised low cal diet for 6 months first.  So I signed up.  To my surprise, I learned so much meeting with a Nut, physical excerise therapist, and behavioral expert weekly.  I lost 85 pounds and felt totally amazing.  A new person.  Life was so exciting and I began to do things that I hadn't done in 20 years.  I wore a bathing suit and felt sexy, went kayaking, horseback riding.  No heavy breathing, could cross my legs and it felt so good.  Buying regular cute clothes was amazing.  I felt so pretty and normal.  BUT----my doctor wasn't happy with where I was.  She said I was still Obese.  I was devastated and tried to push myself to loose more weight, but I just couldn't motivate myself to go further.

I went up and down 25 pounds several times during a five year period, but basically my weight was slowly creeping up.  I knew what I had to do, but I was mad.  Other people could celebrate, have a goodie now and then, enjoy a drink.  Plus, I changed careers during this time due to the economy, my children were graduating high school and one got married, one went off to college.  August 2013, I received a call that my motherinlaw had terminal cancer.  She lived on a farm by herself in the middle of Iowa. I had to take a leave of absence from work and care for her in her home.  It was a horrible time, but I held it together.  I had to learn how to give her shots, test her blood, give meds, everything.  I was alone in the middle of nowhere.  She had been ill for close to a year but because of denial didn't tell us.  She hadn't been able to clean or do much of anything for herself during this time. She was a hoarder.  Every letter, magazine, piece of clothing, shoes, purses, dishes, empty boxes, empty jars from food, eye glasses, birthday cards, mediation etc.. was in that house from all these years.  I rented a semi truck dumpster and had it filled three times just to empty the main part of the house not including the attic or hen house which I left to burn.  I had to empty a refrigerator and large freezer of food that was over 10 years old.  There were bats and mice in the house.

During the time I cared for her, I had to hide what I was doing as far as cleaning out the house.  I did while she was sleeping or on medication so as not to notice me.  The whole time of her dying process, she refused to acknowledge she was dying.  There were lucid periods of time and I'm glad to have had the time with her, but it was still awful and scarey to do myself.  I just didn't have a choice in the matter.

Needless to say, I was not focused on myself, but rather taking care of her, handling all the financial and funeral affairs, doctor appointments, trying to clean out the house, making sure my daughter was all set in college, still managing my own home from far away etc...  I was so stressed, I couldn't get any sleep, and was flying by the seat of my pants.  I drank sweet, gooey coffee drinks, ate out constantly, neighbors brought over plates of cookies and junk.  I just didn't care and food made me feel comfort for awhile.  It finally came to an end in September 2013.  My husband came and helped me finish cleaning out the house.  It was such a relief to have him there, yet I still felt so uncared for.  I gave up my life, my job, my family, to do something I absolutely did not want to do, but no one cared.  It was just taken for granted that I'm a tough person, the funny one, the organizer, the one who smoothes everything over.  I was a back burner person.

When I returned home, I worked real hard to put myself and my home back together.  I cleaned the house, prepared for Christmas, went back to work.  I also tried to get back on track with my weight.  It was one of worst winters in Michigan ever.  Brutely cold, and extremely snowy.  No vacations to look forward to, stuck inside all the time.  I didn't loose weight, but I didn't gain either through the winter.  I was depressed though, and it was a fight to make it through to summer.

Here I am!  I've read 10 books on the vertical sleeve, my personal doctor has given a thumbs up, insurance has approved me, Nut thinks I'm an excellent case for surgery.

Written July 2014