8 days before surgery...

Dec 08, 2015

 I'm finally home from my 7 week contract and it hit me today, I'm going to be sleeved next week. I have mixed emotions, sometimes excited, sometimes terrified, lately it's more terrified...Even though I promised myself not to weigh myself during my two week liquid diet, it has been an "epic fail". I think for the first time in years, I'm seeing the scale move down and it's comforting. However, I realize I'm falling into that trap of connecting my emotions with the result of the scale, which I decided is a bit of a dangerous road to tread...So for the first month PO, I'm only going to weigh myself for the 1st month anniversary. Besides after reading countless, and I mean countless threads/posts about the 3 week stall anxiety/depression. I felt why subject myself to that crap, give my boo the scale and focus on healing ( keep hydrated and get my protein)...

On another note, as of yesterday I'm 269.7lbs, haven't seen the 260's in a long time. Today while wearing my chocolate Optifast 900 splashed robe, I took a good look at my body. It's about to get TMI, give you a minute to change blog..................................I liked what I saw. I saw that I do have a waist. I have stretch marks on my upper arms, breasts and abdomen and I know it's going to become more visible with the weight. I had a breast reduction when I was sixteen, the scars are there, they are keloid, but with time they became part of me and I never noticed my scars until today. It has a story. My breasts are not perky, I think I was perky for a sec and went to a DD a couple months later ( hormonal) and now with the increase weight I just settled with a DDD and I wonder will they deflate with the weight loss.... Isn't it ironic! I hated my extremely large bust as a child, felt so visible, 13year old female with an F cup bra and here at 38, I'm thinking if they get flat, I might get some plastics. I see my upper thighs, when did they become so "cellulite", I can literally grab the fat, how is that going look......I had to stop, take a minute, breathe and look at my body..... I have an eye disease that when I don't have my "special" contacts on, I'm legally blind. I can't use glasses, they think my disease has stabilized, but if it hasn't the next stage is a corneal transplant. Yet, here I stand looking in the mirror seeing faults in my body..... In that moment, I realize my body is not too bad. I need to have some realistic expectations but how about I focus on getting healthy and developing a positive image about myself.....I will try to look at this body everyday and see positive, admire it's changes... Is that mind frame going to last, NOPE! Can't change 20+ years of negative body talk in a day, but I'm going to fight it.... It's the same attitude I have for facing my obesity, every day it's going to be a struggle , but I will keep fighting.......

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