Yanzee77

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So I have been MIA due to work and vacation. My weight is 162-163lbs. I gained one pound and got sick at the end of my trip. I also entered a contest, first prize $35K and it's a transformation contest. I'm pumped to see what my body can do. I worked out every day for the first few days of my trip, then I got sick and I'm still dealing with the aftermath. However, tonight hubby and I are going to the gym. Vacation is over, time for my contest! I'm trying not to focus on the scale, but after spending a year of weighing every day, it's hard not to cringe when the scale goes up. My lowest weight was 154lbs, but I'm happy at my current weight. Muscle & Definition is my new obsession

   The 16th January 2017 makes me 13 months PO and life after holidays is hard. I haven't been on OH, since I'm back at work and it has been crazy busy. I'm currently sitting at 162lbs and my weight gain is partly due to my indulgence of carbs over the holidays and I've been told part might be muscle since I'm a bit more defined than usual. However, I'm trying not to "trip" too much since I'm within my goal weight range and I'm still unsure how lean I want to go (Kinda want more muscle mass).

So January month was trying to decide what comes next in my life. I have all these things I want to do and I'm unsure what I should do first, so I took a minute to write down everything and go with what is priority for me. I felt when it came to "Living healthy" ( I'm trying to change my mindset from weight loss journey to living healthy), I still feel there's more to do when it comes to my eating, especially since I can eat more now. I still work out 5-6 days a week, but for the last month, I've significantly increased my weight training, starting to lift heavier. I find my self hungrier and I'm grazing more, so I decided for the month of February to really try and implement meal prepping. I'm a bit lazy with this but I found the weeks that I took the time to meal prep, I ate better and less, so it's a habit I wish to acquire and keep at it.

I also started back journaling. Every time, I give up this pastime, I find myself stressed or losing my way. I need to put pen to paper, so I've committed myself to journaling at least once a week.Therapy is a fantastic resource for any person with an addictive personality, but, my work schedule and where I work limits me to this option so, I need to find another outlet and journaling seems to work.

For me having WLS was like getting a head start. I remember as a kid I would run sprints with my neighbour who was a sprinter. He was fast as hell, so every evening I would be placed few yards in front so that I may have a chance to win. I never won, he was to damn fast, but I always believed I would one day:) I look at the surgery as my head start for my lifestyle change. 

This tool gave me the opportunity to become physically active, change my eating habits and now in my second year, I will have to make the choice to continue and evolve or return to the individual I was post surgery. The latter is not an option for me, but, thinking I'm a failure because I've gain is not an option also, it's an opportunity to learn and change direction. I'm extremely proud of how far I've come and I'm going to continue to work hard. Taking it one day at a time!

     I enjoyed (indulged????) the holidays. I worked out but my eating was off course! My weight stayed the same at 156 lbs, but I've noticed a big difference on the way I feel when I've consumed too much carbs or sugar. So this week is going to be tough, but I'm looking forward to my low carb diet. 

   This year is about getting definition and muscle mass. There's a young lady I follow on IG and she states she's a " non-competive" bodybuilder, I like that description. My goal is to be a "non-competitive" bodybuilder this year and maybe compete in two years. I truly love lifting weights, I love the definition I'm seeing in my body. Yet, I know all this would be for naught if I don't have a good foundation on fueling my system. I'm in the process of gravitating towards Whole Foods. I eat more than the suggested calorie intake of 800-1000, however, I'm slowly cutting the calories since I'm working on losing fat and gaining muscle. My priority is to record and experiment to see what works for me. My goal for the month of January ( meal prepping), starting with breakfast. I'm pumped???????????!!!

   I'm finally home with my boo and my pug for the holidays and it feels great:) I had a rough contract and I need time to reflect and recuperate.

  I'm so proud of all that I accomplished this year, but, I noticed as my one year surgiversary approached, I started bingeing more and reverting to old eating habits. I started getting worried, looking at my emotional state, wondering if this was some type of "freak out for the big 40"? Was I going through diet fatigue?!? What the hell? I worked so hard, why at the peak of my success was I slowly sabotaging myself? Well, the answer hit me this morning at 3:00am... I'm feeling lost, unsure, scared! For the first time in 20 plus years, I'm in a room full of opportunities and I no longer have that safety net of "my weight" is holding me back and it terrifies me. Now there's no excuse! Success or failure, it lies with me and I think I'm rebelling. I realize that all those years of self-hatred and longing to lose this weight, there was still a comfort there in using it as an excuse to not fulfill some of my dreams. Facing this revelation has kept me up and I decided to do what I do best, record it. My resolution for 2017, is to face my fears and jump and keep jumping. If I land flat on my face, get up and try again! This room of opportunities, these pathways to the unknown is called life and my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION is to live it! The good, the bad and the ugly.... HERE'S to 2017.

So I missed my 11 month PO blog, because I was out on contract ( still am) and I was working like a dog. At my 11 month PO I was up 1.8 lbs from my lowest weight of 160lbs but still under my goal weight of 165lbs. I was more irritated because I knew why I was up due to my carb intake and frankly I've been struggling with bingeing. I have good days and bad days, but everytime I slip I get right back up. I'm starting to see a trend to my binges and I'm working on finding solutions for it. I will definitely continue my therapy when I'm at home and try to keep slider foods out of my house. I will dedicate more on this frustrating behavior another time, for now I'm going to talk about what made me post today, a week before my 1 year surgiversary. 

   I set a weight of 155lbs to reach by my 40th birthday (Feb 2017). I thought it might be a lil far fetch for me since I've never been that small in my entire adult life but I thought why not push the envelope and see.... Well today I hop on the scale and I'm 154.8 and that was after I had eaten breakfast... Yep, I'm feeling myself. I'm down 136 pounds from my highest weight and 112 pounds from surgery... So where do I go from here? Well, I've become addicted to weight training and cardio. I think I see fitness instructor in my future maybe Figure CompetitorHowever, before I even begin to conquer those dreams, I need to work on my eating and these binge episodes.... no rest for the wicked:)

  Well today marks my 10th month PO VSG and I'm 5 lbs under my goal weight. It was BLOODY hard to reach that weight. I'm working on my eating and I can't wait to finally start back with therapy. I eat more, my calories are significantly higher than I like and I decided that getting that under control IS important. The irony is that I eat very healthy ( which I'm proud of). However, too much of anything will/can cause regain, so the plan is to decrease my calorie intake. I still workout 5-6 days a week for 40-60 mins. I run 3+ miles for 3 days and the other 3 days are Strength Training with 20 mins of HIIT Cardio. I will be going home tomorrow for 4 weeks and I will be seeing my trainer 3 times a week, plus I'm planning to do some yoga. 

   What I find so amusing is that I thought exercise would be my Achilles heel. I guess I did not realize how bad my dependancy on food. No surgery or weight loss programs is going to help with my need to abuse food. I think finding peace with this demon will only come with a significant amount of therapy, so I'm looking forward to that being part of my routine. Yet, I'm worried on what I might find!

  My goal is still 165lbs, but I want to see if I can reach 155lbs. I've never, ever been that low and I want to see if it can be done. I'm currently a S/6, vanity size or not, it's weird having ppl look at me and call me "petite". Some days I can tell I loss weight, but I don't think I'm that small!!! My BMI is 24 from 44 and for that I will keep on going. I started doing research on Plastics not for next year (the start of my 40's) but the following year. I want my boobs back, I look like I breast fed a nation of kids and maybe a Tummy Tuck. Not sure on the last one....It's getting harder,but,I'm working on it.

   SO THIS HAPPENED TODAY!!! It's funny, I took a pic of the scale saying 165lbs but then I did my business and it said 164.8 (Rookie mistake) I'm so bloody proud and exhausted because I need to prepare myself for my dayshift. However, I'm going to keep going, no maintenance for me. I still need to work on my mind game, but seeing my sticker saying Weight Goal reached.... Man that will always make my day

   Tomorrow will be my 9th month PO and yet I needed to come on here and blog about my struggle with food these last couple of months. My carb/sweet addiction is getting to me and I find myself slipping frequently. I'm monitoring these slip ups and I realize last night after excessively indulging in my Arabian dessert, that last night sweet binge was because I went into autopilot. I was not emotional, I was not hungry.  When the Doc's husband brought the ceramic DISH of the semolina dessert saturated with honey,I began telling everyone that it was my "crack", "I could never eat just one" and then I proceeded to FULFILL that self-proclaimed prophecy. 

    Today, as I weighed myself and saw that I'm 1.8lbs from my personal goal weight. I started thinking how much I needed therapy. My body responds well to exercise,but I don't want my eating habits to get into that vicious cycle of bingeing and excessive exercise. I truly love working out ( I know this is a shocker for me), but I need to come to terms with my abuse with food.

With that last thought I'm going to say goodbye to my ARABIAN desserts, I'm going to try and go as sugar free as possible ( limiting my use of sugar alternatives). I need to get back to my journals as much as possible and maybe until I get to see a therapist again, find a support group when I'm home. This struggle is real! However, I keep telling myself "You fall down, get the hell up! Read your Dear John letter, review your photos. You are so worth it!" I know it sounds corny, but it works for my run on mornings ????

     I'm so close to my own personal goal of 165lbs, but the struggle is real. I think I could've of met goal but I've picked up some habits that I feel is slowing down my loss, in addition to the natural progression of slower weight loss as I approach a "normal" BMI. Before, I get into that I will like to write I am SO proud of myself! I need to write that down, because I feel lately my paranoia is overcoming my success. I fit into Medium tops or size 8 and medium/large bottoms, size 8-10. This was my goal size. I workout 5-6 days/week, 3 days with a trainer. I eat well 80-90% of the time. Lately, I've been thinking is this lifestyle sustainable? My fear is about keeping my new lifestyle and not reverting to my old habits. What I need right now is therapy, but, financially I can no longer afford my therapist, so I'm back on the waiting list for a therapist in my WLS program. So it's back to journaling, something I started slacking on, the last couple of months.

  The habits I've picked up are grazing, snacking and not tracking every thing I eat. When I started tracking EVERYTHING, I was surprised how much I was eating, especially my carb content. At 8 months out I can eat more but not like before and for that I will forever be grateful. Measure and track is my mantra for Month 09. I'm hoping at my 9 month anniversary that I'm either at goal or close to it. Time to focus, keep my eyes on the prize.

      So I'm a little late on my post.Saturday 16th July was my 7 month, but I was on a 14 day stretch at work and I decided to leave my journaling for my days off:) On Saturday I weighed 179 lbs and as of today I'm 177.2lbs. My Large scrubs are way too big and the mediums are questionable. Depending on the brand I fit into an XS scrub top. Yesterday, for my retail therapy, I bought a size 30 Jeans, I'm trying not to get "hung" up on sizes, but the feeling is so unreal. When a friend of mine, who I consider petite, says " use my sweater since you are cold", I always say: "I'm not that small!" And it freaks me out when it fits. I see what I look like, I can tell I'm smaller, but my appetite has return and I'm fighting my sugar cravings. I've overindulge in the past, especially the weeks prior to my menstration and this behaviour causes me to question whether I will achieve my goal or be a successful long term weight loss patient. Even with the mind fuck I'm going through now, every day I make a commitment to myself that I will embrace my new lifestyle, every day I get up and promise to make better choices.

   Yesterday, I bought the FlatOut bread. I bought it knowing that bread is my nemesis. I texted my husband, who reminded me that this might be a trigger food for me and then I came here and used the search engine and a found a post with someone asking about them. I read the comments and there were a few opinions that stuck with me and  I made the decision not to "try" the bread. I don't know if I will ever be ready to add bread and rice back into my diet, but , previous "tries" of other foods,  during this journey, has lead me to believe that this one will probably be a dangerous slide to old habits. I DID NOT go through all this SHIT to go back to my old habits. So it's going to be given to a friend. I try to keep my calories under 800, but I've seen as high as 1300, and it's more of what I'm eating and not the quantity. My new addiction is protein powder with 10% cream and half of a quest bar, it curbs the sugar craving but that shit is LOADED!!!! Back to the drawing board, work in progress....I keep telling myself that now is the perfect time to correct my errors, cause I'm still losing, next year will be too late.... Still figuring out what I want for myself, still learning.

    Now for the positive, even though I know exercise is for good health and not weight loss, I can't express my joy that I jog 4-5 times a week. I struggle with emotional eating but jogging as soon as I wake up has become an effective alternative. I'm trying to be that person who I always wanted to be, healthy balanced individual. I will not overcome 20 plus years of bad habits in one year, but I feel I've gotten a great re-set button and it's up to me to take it and run with it, no pun intended;)