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Today is my 6 month PO anniversary and the weight on the scale is 185.2lbs. I'm down approx:104.8lbs from my highest weight and 81lbs from surgery. Total inches lost:88.5

SIDE NOTE: I take into account my weight loss PRIOR to surgery, because I started making small changes before my pre-op diet but, after my meeting with my surgeon. I noticed that there are posts were some OH members are comparing their weight loss to others. If you are doing this, you are MISSING the point entirely of YOUR journey. I do follow quite a few ppl who have the same weight demographics as me (Height/weight), who have more weight to lose than me or less weight. I learn from each and every journey and I gain inspiration/motivation from their milestones , their success and even their struggles. However, I'm always aware that I'm my own person and I need to get to KNOW me and comparing is a sort of self-sabatoge, nip that shit in the bud and I say that in the sweetest way possible;)

Back to the topic on hand! I can't believe it's half a year already! Where has the time gone? This journey.... I don't know how to say it in words, but, I will say this, my description for myself is COMMITTED WARRIOR. I'm 20 pounds away from my goal weight, but I'm currently working on changing my lifestyle completely.I'm not talking about just my physical health, but my mental health, my interactions with others. It's a complete overhaul and with something like this ,so major, there is going to be discord, chaos and rejection. Not only from others but also from myself, but I will rise from it! I will be stronger, because I refuse to go back to that dark place.... I will continue to see my therapist, I will continue to blog here, I will continue to track and measure my food.....I know I'm still in the "honeymoon" phase and 1 year is not going to erase 20 plus years of bad habits, but maybe if I change my mindset, focus on the marathons I want to run or becoming an expert in yoga. Maybe if I can just think of living a healthy life and not being a certain size or number, hopefully I wil be successful in the future..... But for now, slowly pouring that concrete to build a solid foundation.....

All I can say is what a ride!k

    So I'm 2.4 lbs away from the centry club....As of tomorrow I will start my 6 months . I got so much to say and I don't know where to begin, so I guess I will start with the "bad" and end with the "good" and then go from there.

  I can eat more and it's unfortunate how I found that out, BINGE! Yep you read right, I had a binge moment, but it was not like before and it was not junk. THANK GOD!However, it was a humbling experence and a learning experience. It all started with sugar free pudding and chocolate. For the last 3 weeks I've been craving sweet stuff! I refuse to give into sugar, so I decided to try a sugar fee toffee from Rocky Mountain. It was DELICIOUS,but I felt weird later. More on that later. I reached 199 lbs a little after my "Any Day" post but I was working steady 12 hour shifts, so besides taking a photo, life went on as usual. I decided when I was home, that I will try to add more vegetables and a sugar free stuff to curb my sweet tooth. Big Mistake! The Jello SF pudding was great but, later I will feel bloated, gassy, but it was mild. However, one day after my meeting with my psychologist, I discovered that there was a Rocky Mountain located near her , so I decided to purchase a sugar free Toffee (2) and a sugar free caramel. When I got home, I had a SF Jello Pudding.Well the combination of all those sugar alcohols sent me to the bathroom the entire night! I suspected the sugar alcohols but it's like I didn't want to admit that the Jello was also a problem. I did what I normally do I rationalize that there's no sugar, therefore no issues. Well last Wednesday, i received some troubling news and I decided i was going to make a low carb mini muffins.Looking back, I can see how I was setting myself for the binge that was to come. The muffins were delicious and tiny. I had 2, then later that night i had 4 more. My stomach hurt for a bit and I was uncomfortable for the rest of the night, but what freaked me out was the behavior. I couldnt believe I had just done that to myself.Since then it's been difficult to keep my calories between 600-800 calories. I'm dealing with head hunger now, I'm full and statisfied, yet I still crave more. Instead of falling apart, I've been eating smaller portions every 2 hours and ensuring I'm drinking 20 ounces between my meals.I guess I underestimated my demons. My hubby took all the sugar free pudding from the fridge and brought it to his job and he also took all the muffins. I originally was not going to say anything about my binge, but I realized that this is what got me to almost 300 lbs and I will not go down that road,again. Tomorrow, I see my therapist and we are going to talk about the return of my food cravings, but in the meantime, I'm going to continue eating protein first, measuring my food, drinking water and finding alternative to eating...Just say no to sugar free!

  Now that is over, I'm cureently a size L-M, size 10-14 depending on the brand and I need to curb the shopping. I started jogging every morning. It's the most AMAZING experience.I'm grateful to this surgery, since I would've never ATTEMPTED to do it. I feel so good and even though I'm afraid with this new emergence of cravings, I'm going to work as hard as possible to change and keep my new lifestyle. Instead of focusing on the negative I need to give myself a clap on the back for the weight I 've lost. I need to remember that I've lost close to 98lbs since my highest weight and I'm 27 lbs away from my goal weight. My hubby said it best "You lost 27lbs on your own before surgery, you can do this!" Yes, I can...Now time to go do some weights!!! 

   For the last couple of days, I've been sitting at 200lbs. When I reached 200lbs it was a big first goal for me because the last time I was at this weight I believe I was 23. Isn't it weird how I can remember my age and events all surrounding my weight! I find that a bit sad. I look back on my life and I realize I spent huge amout of my time pre-occupied with my weight. My weight obsession was/is so ingrained that it's through this journey I'm realizing how much I held myself back. Usually when I go out to work, on my days off ( which are very few ) I would stay home, watch TV and order out. For the past six weeks , every chance I get I go to an aerobic class or to the gym. It's been four years that I've been comming to this community and I never knew it was so vibrant. I've lost 20 lbs being here and I connected with some of my colleagues with my new love for fitness. ME, talking about doing legs and then Cardio Hip Hop, ME. Is this who was hiding under all those layers? Some friendships have changed...Those who were my eating companions, our friendhsip has wane. I didn't realize that food was our connection until now. I told everyone that I will not change but that was a lie. I have changed and I will continue to change/evolve. I had two colleagues tell me " You can't hang with us anymore, you are too skinny!" We all laugh, but there's a shift...." No, I will not have a donut!" "I know, it's crazy I won't eat bread!" "Yeah, that's all I ate and I feel statisfied!". I've tried the nice approach with the "sabotagers" and now, I'm blatant about it. Do I piss off some people , yep! If I tell you No and you keep going at it with an almost indignant response of "Everything in moderation!", well then I get "cold". I've been very open about my surgery and my food addiction to my close friends and family. You will not force a drink on an alcoholic, so why will you force food on me? Especially, since these same individuals  are the ones who used to talk about how much I used to eat "You don't need your stomach stapled, you need your mouth stapled shut!" A phrase that was said to me and I keep it as a quote to motivate. I'm slowly working on loving/ pleasing myself instead of others...I never knew I was a people pleaser, until I stopped. I get it. It's the honeymoon phase, you have a goal, you highly motivated, but....But nothing.This started as weight loss only and became something more. Any day now, I will step on that scale and see 199, nothing will change, I will stick with my plan, I will continue to workout, but, for my weight obsessed mind, that number will give me a sense of liberation. Which tells me when it comes to making peace with food and my weight I still have far to go, but, I 'm working on it.....

This month has been difficult... I returned to work after being off for 15 weeks and it was a 360 for me. In one hand I felt like "Speedy Gonzales" because I was zipping through my shifts. However, because we are such a busy ward, there were many times I did not have time to eat! This is what I struggle with, finding time to eat... I don't know if I should laugh or cry, ask me a year ago if I would believe I would have this issue and I would've laughed at you...

  As of today I'm 204.8 lbs! I needed a minute to reflect on it. My Large scrubs are loose and one of my smaller colleagues, who got me hooked on her intense aerobic classes gave me all her large scrubs and I tried them on and they were loose....I can't even express the emotions I felt and that's my other issues. The mind$&@ of loosing weight. I look in the mirror and I get weirded out! For 19 plus years I saw this person and now in 4 months this stranger appears and I don't know her! My walk is weird, my emotions are unstable... I feel the latter maybe due to the fact I can no longer eat my emotions away, so I need to deal with them, so I snap sometimes, then I feel like a jerk. This journey has been more intense than I thought it would, but I WILL NEVER give up. I will keep fighting! 

I had a moment when a good friend offer me a piece of cheesecake (one of my addictions) up until this moment I had never strayed off plan, but that day was a busy shift and I had not eaten and it was still warm and smelled soooo good. I took a small bite and it tasted like cardboard. She is a fantastic baker but the guilt and fear came roaring to the surface and I just couldn't eat any more.I swallowed but I gave the rest to my friend. I think it's too early for me...I think I don't want to go down that road... I know I don't do moderation well and even though I still feel some type of guilt for having that piece, I'm grateful I didn't beat myself over it, like I would've done in the past. I'm going to continue to push myself to eating my protein, nutrition will always be my focal point... There's a class on nutrition in the gym I joined here and I'm going to attend....My six months is fast approaching and I want to have a strong foundation on food, cause truly I flipped the switch; I want this for the rest of my life... I don't want a "normal person" diet, I'm not normal... I want a sustainable healthy food regime that will keep me healthy and satisfied that's what I want for me:)

Today was a big day for me. I got on the scale and I weigh 214.6lbs! I'm 4.6 pounds away from 210lbs ( my program's goal for me), but most importantly I'm the weight  I was when I was 19 and I thought I was huge! I remember being devasted that I was THAT FAT! That weight on the scale back then, got me in the gym for 2 hours twice a day. I lost 70 pounds and kept it off for about 3 years. Today I'm .4lbs under that weight and I feel and look fabulous! What a difference 20 years make... My current mindset is SOO different today, less focus on what others think and more on what makes me happy....Really enjoying this process.....

SO...My fourth attempt to write this blog. I tried to upload pics to the blog, as a post, nada. So I upload it to my profile and will try another time. Today is the end of my 3 months surgiversary and my probation period is over. I decided after watching countless episodes of "Extreme Weight Loss" to break down my journey into phases for the first year ( we will come up with something else for Maintenance). My first phase was the healing phase and I'm proud to say that some of the things that were affecting me ( incisonal pain and coughing after I eat) are gone or extremely mild. In a couple of days I will be heading out to work after 15 weeks, so it shall be interesting to say the least.

As of today, I weigh 220 lbs! I surpass my goal of losing 45lbs in the first 3 months and actually loss 46lbs! claps my back I've lost a total of 70lbs from my highest weight of 290lbs. I went from a size 24/3X refusing to leave my tight 22's /2X to an XL-- in top, 16 and Large in pants. I've lost a total of 50 inches off my body. I'm pleased with my weight loss but, becoming self aware has been the real prize. I didn't realize how trapped I felt in this body! As I chisel myself out layer by layer, I'm beginning to see who I am and I'm truly looking forward to see where this take me.

For Phase 2 I'm focusing primarily on Nutrition. I'm still struggling with getting enough protein. Now, that the probation period is over, it's time for me to buckle down and focus on developing a Meal Plan for myself. At this point I'm quite aware what my body can and can't handle. It's unfortunate but I just can't tolerate tuna, it's a shame because that was one of my fav before surgery. The same goes for shrimp and crab meat, it just does not sit well....I think I will try again at my 6 months and see what happens but for now, I'm going to stick to chicken, fish and beef. I ate a beef patty from a fast food restaurant, no bread, no fires, nothing. An appointment went longer than I thought and I started feeling light headed, so I dreaded doing it and I'm glad I did for two reasons. One, I learnt I was not tempted to purchase anything else, I knew what I wanted and that's what I got. Two, I will NEVER EVER  do that again, I felt sick for the rest of the day. I drank copious amount of water but the nausea remained. I will learn to be better prepared. 

I really had no clue what this journey would mean when I started.I just had hope and I was filled with fear....Fear of failure. However, as I work on my physical and mental health, I realize that I'm slowly rising above hope and determination has emerged. I've become a fighter, I'm currently a lightweight but I hope with time that I become a heavy weight, because what I envision for myself is going to take everything from me and why should I settle for less....

My hubby and I have been together for 9 years and married for three this year. Today was the first time I weighed less than him! It seems simple, but, my mind can't wrap the idea that maybe, just maybe, one day my husband can pick me up without the aid of water! Time to go workout....

Tonight was moving night.. Well I'm moving my clothes from the basement to the master suite. The Master Bedroom is not finished, but , my hubby and I bought a King Size bed and it's being delivered tomorrow. Side story: the mattress that we currently have is 16 years old. I never had a problem with it but, Hubby always complained how uncomfortable it is... I thought he was crazy, until I started losing weight! OMG!! I feel like the fairytale "the princess and the pea!" How the hell did he survive on this bed!?! I apologize profusely and we bought a new mattress.Anywho, I started to transfer my clothes and to give me some motivation I decided to try on my size 16 jeans! I tried them last week and they couldn't button. Tonight, they button with room!!!!! I haven't worn size 16 jean since I was 24!!!I literally started crying. Today I weigh 228.6 pounds and I need a reminder of how far I've come because I struggle with food choices. I'm not talking about junk food, but, stressing about carb content or can I add honey to my receips?etc etc. I'm just so scared to go back to poor eating habits. However, I will keep having faith in myself and I will continue to make this journey about self-love and a lifestyle change....

Today, marks the end of my two months and it's amazing, what I'm learning about myself through this journey. I had set a 15lbs goal for myself, thus bringing me to 228.1lbs. However, my weight this morning was 230.9 lbs, thus 12.2 lbs from last monthly weigh in and a total of 59.1lbs from my highest weight. Am I disappointed? Hell No!!! The numbers I set are flexible goals, a loss is a loss. What I'm beginning to discover, what truly inspire me to keep going is what I'm learning about myself. This is going to be a long post.

 NUTRITION:I felt like a toddler with the introduction of solids, it was a interesting experience.I used my 2nd month to try and re-try different foods, experiment with no carb recipes, such as "Mashed Cauliflower," "Cloud Bread" & "Low Carb Pizza".I'll be honest, I felt those meals satisfied a craving at the time, but I don't think I will make again. I learnt that my sleeve will take 1-1.5 ounces. Anything over and I will be uncomfortable or vomit. I'm still struggling with reaching protein limits due to the small amounts that I eat, so I rely on my protein shakes and I finally found one I can tolerate. I ate out twice, one was Mediterrean that I shared with my husband ( I had a few pieces of shush touk )and the most recent was sushi. I don't think I will be eating sushi again, it was the most uncomfortable feeling. It tasted well on my tongue but, my stomach did not tolerate it well. Next time, later in my journey I will try sashimi instead. I realize that I still eat too quickly and the amounts I put in my mouth  are still too big, so that's something I'm going to work on in my third month.I weigh EVERYTHING.  Water and I have come to a compromise. I can drink plain water, but it's a slow process, so later in the day I would add some Nestea or Crystal light, since fruits does not agree with me. I ALWAYS wait 15-30mins after drinking my water, to eat and then 45 mins to an hour depending on my meal, to drink again.I've found that I eat too much cheese and I'm going to cut down on it. I've also decided to start Meal Preparing for my 3rd Month, thus making healthier choices. For my 2nd month, I did not care about calories or fat, but as I reach the end of my healing process or "probation period", I want to make healthier choices. All that to say, is that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to Nutrition and it will always be my priority. Although, I no longer use sugar, I still use Torani Sugar free Syrups and I'm hoping to remove it later in my journey, although in all fairness I don't use it that often, so I will keep an eye on that.

EXERCISE: In my second month, I joined the gym and my husband and I go 3-4 times a week. I do approx 45 mins Cardio. Starting in my 3rd month, I'm going to add, toning with bands. I usually do 25 mins of Treadmill and 15 mins Elliptical, my goal for my 3rd month is to increase my intensity. At this time, my gym routine is to better my health. My ultimate goal is to be a runner, but I'm taking my time. I'm trying to enjoy the process so I will no longer see it as a chore but a benefit.

MENTAL: If I have any advice for anyone on this journey, is to invest in a therapist, one whose speciality is eating disorders or with bariatric patients.My program came with a psychologist but getting an appointment was difficult. I called myself an Emotional Eater, but I truly did not understand what that meant, until I physically could not use food for comfort. I realized that I needed to take matters into my hands and locate someone. The psychologist I found was expensive but she is worth every penny and I clicked with her, right away. People always say that when someone lose the weight they change. I always believed that they will change in some ways but the core of the person will still be the same. I'm starting to realize that maybe my core is not who I am. I'm starting to realize that I developed this person because of my obesity. I suppressed who I wanted to be and I feel that, this person is slowly emerging. There's a you tuber by the name of Clusie L and she talks about "Not Knowing who you truly are, until you lose the weight" and I get it. Strange, in the beginning, it was the number on the scale that motivated me to stay on track,but as the weight comes off and I'm learning more about myself, that curiosity is what's keeping me motivated... The scale is the bonus....

MISC: I still have a cough after I eat, it's not as bad as before and hopefully it will get better. Still have some incisional pain to my largest site. I saw the Fellow, he does not think it's a hernia and it's getting better. Who knew I had an hourglass shape! All these years, I thought I was apple shape and low behold, I got a waist. I'm still wearing my 22's and 20's but it's getting to be dangerous! Belts are important. I found a size 20 Jean from Baby Phat, that I purchased a long time ago and never wore, cause I never knew about JUNIOR SIZES back then. My hubby thought it will fit, I thought he was mad... I tried it on to humor him and BOOM it fit with space. When I first started this journey, I wanted to get into a size 8, I even bought a size 8 Coat for motivation, but now.... I'm learning to forget about sizing and focusing on self-love..... Not that easy.......