question for those that don't tell people about having WLS

Thanks for posting the initial ? today.  I work in a group of 8 women (including me) and 2 men.  I opted the other day to send an email to my team to let them know of my choice.  Most of the people in the group I work with work out, eat healthy, and take good care of themselves.  With that being said, I just started my journey to RNY on 09/17/14.  Since then I've had at least 2-3 appts per week for doctors, nutritionist, etc.  Came in late to work, missed entire days to make appts.  Since telling the group, I've had excellent feed back.  Offering anything I need.  One man I work with already uses protein shakes after he works out... he said IF I'd like to try them from him, I could....

The reason I opted to tell my team is 2 fold- I don't want someone to think I am sick now with all the appts I've been going to and I really don't want someone to think the worst next year when I have the surgery.  I also wanted to open a discussion with them so they feel comfortable approaching me, or accepting if I say NO to a certain food not to pu****  I find this approach for me was the best decision I could make.  Maybe I am just a little loopy.

The question you are asking means that you are searching for a specific answer.  I find that when people pose questions about "why they don't tell everyone" that there is really a masked judgement attached.  

Why don't you make a joke?  Are you uncomfortable joking about losing weight?  Of course not.  

Everyone has ways that are best for them and we are all different.  It doesn't mean the person is ashamed, unable to speak up for themselves, has poor self-esteem, doesn't care about other obese people or some other secret agenda.  It simply means that they handle their personal life the way that is best for them.

Truthfully, as a linguist, I think that when people comment on weight and ask "how did you do it" -- unless they are obviously suffering from the disease of obesity -- they are more just committing a common speech act.  Much like:

"Hi, how are you today?"

"Fine, thanks, and you?"

No one expects the person asked "how are you today?" to answer with a long diatribe about how each moment until that point was terrible ... it's just a speech act with expected niceties.  For most normies, saying:

"Wow!  You've lost a lot of weight!! How'd you do it?"

they don't expect a real answer.  They don't really care because they AREN'T TRYING TO LOSE 100 lbs.  It's just a nicety and they expect something to the effect of: 

"A lot of hard work!" 

or something similar.  Really, going into WLS and all that is overkill in my humble opinion.  Therefore, I save that for those who are really interested (or should be.  :-)

It honestly never occurred to me that when someone asks "How did you lose so much weight" that they don't really want to know.  That doesn't mean I think they all want a really lengthy explanation, but I did figure they were truly curious and wondered about it.

Are you assuming only obese people would really want to know?

I assume that my obese friends and acquaintance ask because it seems impossible to lose so much weight and that they are genuinely interested.  I do feel an obligation to be completely upfront with them because, frankly, I feel that surgery gives one a definite advantage if there's a desire to lose.  However, I have several obese friends who have absolutely no desire to change that -- so I would never assume that every fat person is interested in WLS.  

I kind of look at it like this:  I had a caesarean section.  I don't share that fact with everyone who asks if I have kids.  But, if a pregnant woman asked about having kids, I might just share that -- because one is likely truly interested in my experience and the other is just a speech act nicety.  

AMEN!!!  Perfectly expressed!!

Maybe a little uncomfortable - but mostly I just don't think it would be effective in getting people to drop the subject. A LOT of people in both my own family and my husband's family can be nosy and pushy. If I thought they would drop it after me saying "I'm not comfortable talking about that" then I would definitely say it because I think it's a good answer. 

The joke always gets people talking about themselves, another subject, or their own struggles with dieting and so it's been an effective approach for me!

I don't care how nosy or how well I know someone that is morbidly obese - I will tell them about surgery if they are someone that would qualify. Eventually I know this will "blow my cover" overall, but I'm ok with that! It took me awhile to get to that point though... 

I had posted a picture of myself on facebook and one woman who I used to work with is very snarky But deep down she is a kind woman. She just chooses to be a ***** to protect herself. 

After the picture was posted everyone said how good I looked.Well she posted you look great how? So I told her the catfood diet. I know immature but it was funny.I did message her and tell her that I had WLS. 

I understand there might be dozens of reasons why you wouldn't want to share the details of having WLS with people.  Everyone is different.  But it pains me when people give half truth answers such as "diet and exercise" only because I think it propagates the negative stigma attached to WLS.

I've been asked by people and without hesitation I tell them I've had WLS.  If they ask for more details, I'll give them.  Many times just hearing that I've had WLS is enough to satisfy their interests.  I do not care if they walk away and think that I've taken the easy way out.  Their opinions do not personally impact my life.  I did this for me and my health, not the approval of other people.

I work with many men who have approached me and asked if their wives could come in and talk to me about my surgery.  I've had a outside contractor that's known me for over 10 years ask me detailed questions about my surgery because he's considering it himself.  Another one had a RNY 15 years ago and did not tell anyone in our industry, except me.  I'm not looking to be the poster child for the VSG or WLS, but if there's anything I can do to demystify the process for anyone dealing with weight related issues, I am happy to answer any questions they may have.

As one person said, I think there's a great deal of shame and humiliation that people have about undergoing WLS.  We've been treated like second class citizens for so long that we continue to think we can hide in a corner and no one will notice us.  I own who and what I am, warts and all.  

At a support group on Wednesday, my surgeon discussed the mechanisms of weight loss and how surgery affects the body hormonally, physiologically, metabolically, etc.  Simple dieting and exercise do not give you the same set of tools that surgery will.  Our bodies have a "set point" and will fight tooth and nail when we diet to maintain what it deems that weight.  That's why so many of us give up on diets because losing becomes so much more difficult.  Our bodies become more efficient at using the lowered calories we put into it.

So for those people who have weight to lose and want to know why it looks easy for us, I think it's unfair to lie or obfuscate what we did in order to achieve it IMHO.

One the pharmacists where I almost always get my prescriptions filled decided to have WLS herself based on my results AND my willingness to be open about the good, the bad, and the ugly of it (all in 5 minute conversations over my first 4 years or so post-op). She said that being able to ask me questions and get honest answers, both positive and negative, were key to her realizing that maybe she wasn't doomed to spend the rest of her life as a 3x!

It was when she shared with me that she was having surgery that I realized what a HUGE disservice for people who have been fortunate enough to have had surgery to lie about it (by omission) to others who are obese!

Lora

Well I am really dumbfounded that you find it so hard to understand why saying to someone "I don't want to disclose that" would be a little offputting.  If you have the type of personality that typically responds to inquiries like that, than you have no problem saying it.  I am not that type of person, and I don't feel comfortable telling someone "I don't want to disclose that information".  I think it blows the whole thing out of proportion.  I just tell them my half truth (unless they are a close friend) and we all go about our merry way.  I'm happy for the complement, and they are happy for me that I've bettered my life.  I think you should just give up on this really.  I don't know why you are so fixated on it.